Finding Your Peace This Holiday Season: An Invitation to Reflect and Connect
As the holiday season arrives with its twinkling lights and gatherings, I'd like to offer you an invitation—not because I assume where you're at, but because I believe in the power of honest reflection. Maybe you're thriving right now. Maybe your family brings you deep joy and the holidays feel magical. Or maybe you're navigating loss, stress, or uncertainty. Wherever you find yourself, there's wisdom in pausing to check in with your heart.
What I Learned About "Perfect" Holidays
I'll share something personal. When I was a young mom, I thought everything had to be perfect:
Presents wrapped just so
Meals prepared with all the fixings, even when we couldn't afford it
House decorated beautifully with cute name tags for every guest
Being the perfect hostess who had everything under control
I put so much emphasis on the doing—on making everything look perfect—that I missed the deeper truth: I was anxious and stressed. I thought if I did enough, people wouldn't notice I was struggling. I didn't even realize there was another way to live, that peace was something I could find within myself by simply being, not constantly doing.
Here's the thing, though—we did have beautiful moments. When we'd play games together after dinner. When we'd bundle up for a walk after eating too much. Those times we'd lay on the couch and just laugh and talk. Those are the moments that mattered. I wish I'd understood that it could have all been like that—more of the simple connection, less of the self-imposed pressure.
Some stress naturally comes with planning and hosting—that's just part of it. But the expectations I put on myself? No one else put those on me. That was all mine. I can't take that back, but I can learn from it going forward. And that's what I want to share with you.
Looking back, all that doing was about feeling worthy. If everything looked perfect, maybe I was enough. But here's what I've learned through loss and life: the perfect presentations, the flawless decorations, the elaborate meals—none of that is what people remember. They remember how you made them feel. They remember authentic presence, genuine laughter, and moments of real connection.
When Saying No Is the Kindest Thing You Can Do
About six years ago, my brother asked if he could bring someone who was going to be alone to our family gathering at my house. I really loved hosting our family—but it also brought me so much stress. Our gatherings were already a little stressful, and I was carrying the weight of being the hostess.
I said no. And I felt pretty guilty about it and was hard on myself. I know my brother and maybe my sister judged me for it. But here's what I knew then and know even more deeply now: I knew my capacity. I had to say no for my well-being. Sometimes we have to know what we can and can't do, even when it feels uncomfortable, even when others might not understand.
This is the balance I want you to consider: We never really know what someone else is struggling with. Behind a smile might be someone carrying unimaginable pain. If you have the capacity to reach out to someone who's alone, that simple gesture could mean everything. But if reaching out brings you stress or depletes you, that's important information. Honor it. You can't pour from an empty cup, and taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary.
Wherever You Are, You're Welcome Here
So this season, wherever you're at, I invite you to consider a different perspective:
If you're in a great space: Lean into that joy! Savor those connections. If you feel called to give back, do so in ways that genuinely bring you happiness—invite someone to join your celebration, volunteer at a place that lights you up, offer a listening ear. Giving back doesn't have to be a burden; it can be an extension of your joy.
If you're struggling: You don't have to do what you think everyone expects. Social media shows us perfect scenes, but behind every polished photo is real life with all its messy complexity. Focus on how you feel, not how things look to others. You have permission to simplify, say no, and honor your capacity.
Consider simplifying where it feels right:
What truly brings you joy? What drains you?
Can you scale back on decorations or opt out of certain traditions?
Can you let go of expensive gift-giving and focus on meaningful presence?
Can you set boundaries in difficult family situations?
The holidays are about connection and kindness—not monetary gifts or commercial expectations. Some of the most meaningful moments cost nothing at all.
You're Not Alone
If you're feeling alone or struggling, please know help is available. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is there 24/7. Dial 211 for local resources. Consider finding your community—your tribe of people who see you, accept you, and support you. This might be a support group, a faith community, friends who truly get you, or an online space where you feel safe. Connection is healing.
At Surf the Earth Mental Health Community, we hold close Ali's vision: "connection, connection, connection." We believe every person deserves to feel accepted, supported, and valued for exactly who they are. Whether you're thriving or struggling, whether your holidays are joyful or challenging, there's a place for you here.
An Invitation
This season, be honest with yourself. Honor where you're at without judgment. If you're full of joy, celebrate that and share it generously. If you're carrying pain, give yourself compassion and reach out for support. Show up as authentically as you can. And remember, you are worthy—not because of what you do or how perfect things look, but simply because you are.
May this season bring you peace, connection, and moments of real presence with the people you love.
Be kind. Be mindful. Be you.
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Crisis Resources:
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text) • 211 for local community resources